I Alone - Part II
Walking to the office, nothing seemed special today. Same band of people I walk with every morning, tailgating, jaywalking, negotiating each one's way through the crowd. One could be a young mom, just sent her daughter to school, or a retiring man, looking forward to the day he receives the bounty he toiled and earned for the past forty years. One could be thinking what's a good movie to watch on Thursday or if there are remaining pairs of sale items at Sogo. I don't know, I am only human.
As we disperse, like rivers flowing out into little branches that end up in the vast ocean, we're not very much aware we'll be converging again later. But amid the crowd that enveloped me, I feel I am all by myself, with no one to hang on, nobody to turn to. While the young mom may have the habit of playing with the kids and sending them to bed, and the elderly man sharing news of the day with contemporaries, I am left to myself. The pain of being alone, ignored, taken for granted has finally taken its toll; I hope I am not going insane.
When was the last time I laughed out loud? I guess that was when I was a thousand miles away from here. Five years have passed since I left home. Nothing much has changed in me. I am old, rotten and developed some sort of heart disease. I used to enjoy the ways of life and with the company of creatures God placed beside me. But recently, they have been wandering around, leaving me on my own.
Work hard in the office for at the end of the month you will get rewarded. I am thankful to have a job. It's terrible to lose one .. make that two. I am single but I act like I have a couple of wives and a dozen children to take care of.
Recently I have been compiling a list of names of my friends. From kindergarten to present, I accumulated about 360 names. Which means I get to know about 1 friend per month in my lifetime. Which is sad, there could have been more. Maybe I was too aloof, or was never given the chance. Acquaintances come and go. Friends remain, no matter physically I never met them. Pen pals, e-mail friends, they mean a lot to my small world. For no matter how small the world may seem, still I am surrounded by strangers.
My watch shows it's half past 12. My colleagues gather for lunch break while I confine myself in my rolling chair in the corner. Must save money, must have time to read, must have time to nap. But in the end, my efforts bummed me out. I am too shy to meet new people at a product launch and could only muster a conversation only when provoked. The office is quiet as I feed my belly, what am I here for? What could the young mom be eating now? She must have something that her domestic helper cooked for her. What about the retiring man? His wife must have prepared a generous portion of noodles. Me, I take what I can prepare. Nothing much to please, it's only myself.
At five years, why did I escape bed when my grandma told me to take the siesta? Now, I want to lie on the floor, hoping somehow my backache will subside as I temper my brain for the afternoon.
As I complain days pass so quickly I feel relieved time flies proportional to it. I feel I get old so quickly, and die sooner than later. At times I thought what if I am not ruled by the pointing fingers
of my watch, life would be easier for me? I believe my being multitasking, with all the gadgets to fiddle, flyers to browse and all other stuff made things difficult. More things to do, but time remained fixed.
As I prepare myself to go out, I know this will be another long night for me. Take the bus or the MTR? Go to Victoria Park or Fortress Hill? Even with no clear direction I still find myself swallowed by the throng of people the same way I experienced 8 hours ago. Day in, day out, the beating remains.
And as I lay in bed pondering of what are the things to come, the day has ended and I am still breathing. Pessimist as I may often be described, I am always grateful God made me this kind of person. No one may like me, and that could be an understatement. What I want to aim now, is to make things meaningful to others. Life is short, and if mine is shorter than the elderly man about to retire, I made a legacy out of myself, smiling in the photo as you read this blog.
As we disperse, like rivers flowing out into little branches that end up in the vast ocean, we're not very much aware we'll be converging again later. But amid the crowd that enveloped me, I feel I am all by myself, with no one to hang on, nobody to turn to. While the young mom may have the habit of playing with the kids and sending them to bed, and the elderly man sharing news of the day with contemporaries, I am left to myself. The pain of being alone, ignored, taken for granted has finally taken its toll; I hope I am not going insane.
When was the last time I laughed out loud? I guess that was when I was a thousand miles away from here. Five years have passed since I left home. Nothing much has changed in me. I am old, rotten and developed some sort of heart disease. I used to enjoy the ways of life and with the company of creatures God placed beside me. But recently, they have been wandering around, leaving me on my own.
Work hard in the office for at the end of the month you will get rewarded. I am thankful to have a job. It's terrible to lose one .. make that two. I am single but I act like I have a couple of wives and a dozen children to take care of.
Recently I have been compiling a list of names of my friends. From kindergarten to present, I accumulated about 360 names. Which means I get to know about 1 friend per month in my lifetime. Which is sad, there could have been more. Maybe I was too aloof, or was never given the chance. Acquaintances come and go. Friends remain, no matter physically I never met them. Pen pals, e-mail friends, they mean a lot to my small world. For no matter how small the world may seem, still I am surrounded by strangers.
My watch shows it's half past 12. My colleagues gather for lunch break while I confine myself in my rolling chair in the corner. Must save money, must have time to read, must have time to nap. But in the end, my efforts bummed me out. I am too shy to meet new people at a product launch and could only muster a conversation only when provoked. The office is quiet as I feed my belly, what am I here for? What could the young mom be eating now? She must have something that her domestic helper cooked for her. What about the retiring man? His wife must have prepared a generous portion of noodles. Me, I take what I can prepare. Nothing much to please, it's only myself.
At five years, why did I escape bed when my grandma told me to take the siesta? Now, I want to lie on the floor, hoping somehow my backache will subside as I temper my brain for the afternoon.
As I complain days pass so quickly I feel relieved time flies proportional to it. I feel I get old so quickly, and die sooner than later. At times I thought what if I am not ruled by the pointing fingers
of my watch, life would be easier for me? I believe my being multitasking, with all the gadgets to fiddle, flyers to browse and all other stuff made things difficult. More things to do, but time remained fixed.
As I prepare myself to go out, I know this will be another long night for me. Take the bus or the MTR? Go to Victoria Park or Fortress Hill? Even with no clear direction I still find myself swallowed by the throng of people the same way I experienced 8 hours ago. Day in, day out, the beating remains.
And as I lay in bed pondering of what are the things to come, the day has ended and I am still breathing. Pessimist as I may often be described, I am always grateful God made me this kind of person. No one may like me, and that could be an understatement. What I want to aim now, is to make things meaningful to others. Life is short, and if mine is shorter than the elderly man about to retire, I made a legacy out of myself, smiling in the photo as you read this blog.
posted by Unknown at
12:25 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home